Confessions of a Teenage Drug Addict > My struggle with drug addiction


"It is easy to start taking drugs, but it is very difficult to quit. Believe me I know it well. Your life will never be the same again. Please don't try it even one time. Don't ruin all your future by experimenting with drugs like me." - Gor (31st August 2001)

DATE: June 2001

QUESTION: We last talked about 5 weeks ago and you said then that you were going to stop smoking and stop experimenting with drugs once you started the new school year. Have you stopped?

GOR: No, I am now addicted to drugs, but I am trying to stop it.

QUESTION: When you say you are addicted to drugs, how badly?

GOR: I really need it.

QUESTION: How often did you take it?

GOR: Every day.

QUESTION: When was the last time you took drugs?

GOR: Two days ago.

QUESTION: Do you want to take some now?

GOR: Yes

QUESTION: Will you?

GOR: No, I am trying to stop it.

QUESTION: What drugs did you take?

GOR: I smoked marijuana quite a few times in the holiday but I have become addicted to yaa ba (amphetamines).

QUESTION: Have you stopped smoking cigarettes yet?

GOR: No, you can see I am smoking at the same time I am talking to you. If I stop taking drugs and stop smoking at the same time I am sure I will go mad. Very mad.

QUESTION: What do you mean mad?

GOR: I mean crazy, angry and moody all the time.

QUESTION: The last time we talked I asked you "are you in control?" and you said "yes". What is your answer now to that same question?

GOR: No, I am not in control. The drugs control me. I can't stop.

QUESTION: The other thing I said to you was that how can you stop if your friends are taking drugs. You said that you could stop. What is your answer now?

GOR: It is very difficult. When you see it in front of you, face to face with it often, I can't stop myself I can't do it. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't.

QUESTION: I want to know why you started taking drugs on a regular basis. The second time you took drugs you told me that you would not buy drugs but would only have some with your friends. You assured me you would not become addicted. Did you start taking it a lot of times during the holidays or after you had gone back to school?

GOR: I started taking it a lot at the end of the holidays. Every day. I first started it just for fun. My friends were doing it at my house so I wanted to try too. But, then I quickly became addicted.

QUESTION: So, you just followed your friends?

GOR: Yes.

QUESTION: Looking back now, do you think that was a good decision to copy your friends?

GOR: Very bad idea. If I had the time again I wouldn't do it. I would try to stop my friends as well.

QUESTION: Do you really think your friends would listen to you if you tried to stop them? You didn't listen to me.

GOR: For sure they won't. They will say that it is their life and their body. I will try once but if they don't believe me what can I do? They will know it later for sure. And when they know it I will help them as much as I can.

QUESTION: How will they know it? Or should I ask, how did you know it?

GOR: I saw my mum working at home. She was doing everything. She finished working at the factory and then came home to do more work. Maybe she was sad and tired because no-one was helping her.

QUESTION: I thought you said before that you did a lot of housework?

GOR: I used to, but not when I was taking drugs and being bad.

QUESTION: So, how did that make you feel.

GOR: Very sad. So I am now trying to stop it and help her do the housework.

QUESTION: You haven't come to work on your web site for a long time. Why?

GOR: I was staying with friends and taking drugs, walking around, fighting, having fun. But now I know it was fun in the wrong way. The bad way.

QUESTION: Why are you saying that now?

GOR: Mainly because I saw my mum work. But also one of my friends became addicted to drugs. He took it a lot and couldn't stop. He had to leave school and go to a drug clinic. He was there for about 2-3 weeks. He is better now but his mum won't let him go back to school. She doesn't want him to meet the wrong group of friends.

QUESTION: He is in your group, so are you saying she doesn't want him to see you?

GOR: No. She knows I am trying to stop too and she helps me as well. She told me that it is bad for me and that it is a waste of money. She also told me that my mum and dad would be upset if they knew.

QUESTION: Does your mum and dad know you are addicted to drugs?

GOR: No and I don't want them to know.

QUESTION: Really? Are you sure? I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks but I can tell that you have been through a rough time. You have lost weight, your cheeks are hollow and it looks like you haven't slept properly for a long time. Your parents must suspect something for sure?

GOR: They don't. They see me every day and haven't seen a change.

QUESTION: What do you think your parents would say if they knew?

GOR: I don't think they would say anything. My mum would cry for sure. I am not sure about my father.

QUESTION: If he got angry with you what would you do?

GOR: I am sure that if he got angry with me I would take drugs more and more and more and I wouldn't stop.

QUESTION: Do you think your parents understand you?

GOR: Yes, I think so. But sometimes they don't. But that is OK. They can't understand everything, I know that.

QUESTION: Can you tell them your problems?

GOR: Yes I can tell them every problem but I don't want to tell them about me taking drugs. They know about me smoking and things with my girlfriends.

QUESTION: What about the money. Where did you get the money from to buy drugs?

GOR: From my friends and I sold some of my cartoon books to get it.

QUESTION: Did you have enough money to buy it every time?

GOR: No, but if I didn't have enough I just shared with my friends. I never took it alone. Two or three of my friends got a lot of pocket money from their parents every day. More than they needed.

QUESTION: How much pocket money do you get?

GOR: In the holidays I got 20 baht (about 50 cents) a day. During school time I get 70. If I didn't eat school lunch I had 50 baht for buying drugs. I didn't eat lunch lots of times.

QUESTION: Where did you buy the drugs? At school?

GOR: No, I know a house. It belongs to my friend's cousin. We went there to buy it and take it straight away. Sometimes we took the drugs to my friend's house or my house.

QUESTION: How much were the drugs there?

GOR: It cost 60 baht. At school it costs more. Also, sometimes it is not the real drug. It is a pretend one. It tastes different and can't make me feel high.

QUESTION: Did you get high every time? How did it feel?

GOR: Yes, I did. When I am high I felt a bit like normal but I didn't feel sleepy at night. When I took it during the holidays I was up all night with my friends. We were singing, chatting and playing around. The drugs helped us stay awake during the night. One time I was up for 3 days and 3 nights playing around.

QUESTION: What about school time? You were home alone at night and didn't need to stay awake. Why did you keep taking drugs after school had started?

GOR: I had no choice then. My body wanted it. I was addicted to it.

QUESTION: So, after school you took drugs and then you went home?

GOR: Yes.

QUESTION: Why didn't your parents notice anything? What time did you go home?

GOR: I went somewhere else first and then went home at about 10 p.m. I was acting like normal so they didn't see anything strange. But I couldn't sleep at night.

QUESTION: What about your school work? Could you concentrate on it?

GOR: No, I slept all day in the classroom. I didn't learn properly for the last two weeks. Then after school I took drugs.

QUESTION: Didn't your teacher see anything wrong?

GOR: They asked me if I was ill and why I was sleepy.

QUESTION: Did you do the homework?

GOR: No, they didn't say anything about that so I didn't do it. Nothing happened.

QUESTION: What is your plan now? Do you really think you can stop taking drugs?

GOR: Yes, I will stop taking drugs. If I go around thinking I can't do it then I won't be able to do it. I think I can, so I will do it.

QUESTION: What about your web site? Why did you decide to come back to work on it?

GOR: I needed something to concentrate on while I am trying to quit drugs. Also, all of my future is here. When I come here I don't feel like a normal student. I feel like a different person, someone special. But when I am not here, I am the kind of student that goes around fighting, taking drugs and doing bad stuff. It is like I am living in two different worlds. I also know that if I am here working I won't be spending much time with my friends. So, when my friends are taking drugs I am not going to be there. I am trying to spend more time here working after school and at the weekend. If I am with my friends and they are taking drugs I think I won't be able to stop myself. I am not sure.

QUESTION: Which one do you think is easier to stop, smoking or taking drugs?

GOR: Smoking.

QUESTION: Why don't you try and stop smoking first?

GOR: Because, when I feel like taking drugs I need something to replace it. So, I think I need cigarettes more now. It is bad but not as bad as drugs.

QUESTION: Why do you think Thai society is so against people taking drugs? What is wrong about it?

GOR: It is bad for you. If you take it a lot you will lose all your money. You won't have enough so you will have to steal or sell some stuff to buy drugs. Like my friends. One of them used the money for his education to buy drugs. Another friend stole some money from a pay phone. Other people around you will also suffer. You have to remember that even if you don't care about yourself other people still do. Like your parents. Will they be happy if you are taking it? I don't think so. No parents in this world will be happy. That is why I don't want my parents to know that I have been doing it.

QUESTION: Did you think about that when you started taking drugs in the first place?

GOR: No. It was just because I was with friends. They did so I did. It was fun. We were teenagers and we just wanted to try new things.

QUESTION: If your friends jumped from the top of the building would you follow them?

GOR: It is not the same. Jumping leads to death straight away. But this one is a long time. Drugs is fun at first. But, after the fun you will have a lot of problems.

QUESTION: What do you think about the addiction side to drugs now?

GOR: It is not good.

QUESTION: Is it better not to start?

GOR: I wouldn't say that. If you want to try, make sure you only try one time. One time, no second time.

QUESTION: But that is what you told me after the first time you took it. What happened to you?

GOR: I am saying now make sure you only take it one time. If your parents understand you, you just tell them straight away that you want to try. Say that your friends tried it and you want to know what it is like. I am sure that they will help you. If I am a parent I am sure I would let my kid do it with me. That is better than with friends.

QUESTION: What would you do if you find out that your son or daughter carried on taking drugs behind your back?

GOR: I then have to help them.

QUESTION: But, what if they didn't tell you, like you didn't tell your parents?

GOR: I can see it with my eyes. I took it before so I can see the difference between people who take it and normal people.

QUESTION: But, when it is someone that you love you just don't want to believe that they are doing it. You know the saying that love makes you blind. Maybe that is the same thing with your parents. Maybe they think you are doing something like this but they don't want to believe it. If you find out that your child was taking drugs what would you do?

GOR: I wouldn't be angry. I would help him. Send him to a drug clinic or do anything I can to help him. And I am sure that he will understand what I am trying to do. Like me now.

QUESTION: If he accepts your help and then later starts taking drugs again what would you then do?

GOR: That is difficult to answer.

QUESTION: OK. Let's take a real example. I am helping you to get off drugs now by being supportive.

GOR: Yes.

QUESTION: But, what should I do if I find out later that you have starting taking drugs again?

GOR: For sure you mustn't be angry with me because I will do the opposite of what you want. Just warn me and remind me about my parents. That they love me and that I shouldn't upset them.

QUESTION: What if you tell me that you are not taking drugs again and I find out from someone else that you are still taking it. Should I be angry with you for lying to me?

GOR: Really you should. But I think if I do it like that I would have a reason for lying. Like I am scared you would be angry or something like that. If you are not angry then tell me straight away you are not angry.

QUESTION: If you were with a different group of friends who didn't smoke or take drugs, would you have experimented with drugs?

GOR: No, because if they didn't take it so I wouldn't have started it.

QUESTION: If you were a parent and you saw your son mixing with a group of boys that were smoking, drinking and taking drugs what would you do?

GOR: I can't stop him. I will just warn him. A friend is a friend. You can't break them up. If I tried to stop my son seeing these friends I am sure he will become closer to them. So, I will just warn him once or twice. If I do it more than that he will just get angry. Also, I will not let my son go to his friend's house. I would prefer he came to my house. I am not going to let my son be a bad kid. I will teach him about right and wrong at an early age.

QUESTION: I want to ask you one final question. It is very brave of you to be so honest to tell the whole world about your addiction to drugs. Can I ask you why you wanted to do that? It is a big risk for you to do this as your parents or teachers might find out.

GOR: I want every parent in the world to know and understand teenagers. So their children won't do the opposite way to what their parents want. If I can only stop one child taking drugs or help a parent to understand their child on drugs, I would be happy (^_^)

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